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The Speed-Dating Dunce
By
Rosalind Lord
One evening
I went to a speed-dating event
For the very first time.
I couldn't help myself;
I had heard so much about them
I just had to check it out.
I thought: Hey, you never know
Maybe I really will meet someone nice.
I both didn't know what to expect
And deep down inside
Knew what I was getting into
At the same time.
It was held at a coffeehouse
On Geary Boulevard.
They seated you at a table for two
And gave you forms
Pink for women
Blue for men.
This should have tipped me off right there.
On these forms you had to write down the name
Of each "date" you talked to.
You also circled Yes next to his name
If you wanted to talk to him again
No if you didn't.
I circled Yes for all the guys I talked to
I'm not sure why; I can't explain it.
None of them were my type
I wasn't really interested in or attracted to any of them
But I did have nice conversations with them
None of them seemed like creeps or weirdos
And they were all people I wouldn't mind being just friends with
Even if we didn't end up dating.
Maybe I just have trouble with situations
That require you to make snap judgments
About people you've only just met.
If a Maybe had been included
I would have circled that instead.
Also the hostess of the event stressed
That if you circled Yes
You were just saying you wanted to talk to them again
Not that you wanted to have a relationship with them.
I probably took this too literally.
All of these guys circled No for me.
I was rejected by every single one of them.
That whole experience made me feel
Like I was the worst student
In a special ed class
In junior high school.
Looking back on it now, I think my attitude
Might have had something to do with this.
The truth was that I had a difficult time
Taking this speed-dating seriously
And it must have showed.
One of my "dates" struck me as a total masochist.
I remember asking him
If he had been to any other speed-dating events
And he said yes; he had been to two others before this one.
When I asked him if he had a good time
He said, "Well, it's not exactly fun."
He then said something about how
He did it because he felt like he had to
Not because he wanted to.
I think of classrooms
Seventh-grade mixers
Schoolyard bullies
Songs by Morrissey
S&M dungeons
Middle-aged dentists who hire dominatrixes
To play nanny or teacher.
And even though I felt this speed-dating was a joke
Why do I feel like someone put a dunce cap on my head?
Copyright ©
2003 Rosalind Lord
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