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Office Romance
A
soap opera in less than 1,500 words
By
Rob Rosen
Steve sat at his desk and stared out of the sooty window to his right. Since 9/11 and the dot.com bust , his SoMa loftice (as he liked to call it) had been losing clients and laying people off right and left. They were down to their last five employees, all of which had been original hires four years prior, and it was only a matter of time before they too would be history. But c’est la vie, Steve thought. It was just a job and he was eager to move on. Except for…
"You look completely bored," Jeff said from his desk, which sat directly across from Steve’s.
"What’s a word beyond bored?" Steve yawned.
"Comatose?"
"Yep, somewhere in between bored and comatose then."
Ah Jeff. The one remaining bonus to the job. Tall, lean, dreamy and completely unavailable. Steve had tried, so he knew that for certain. Which made Jeff even more desirable. "Office romances are a mess," Jeff had told him. Which was true, but not what he wanted to hear. What he wanted to hear was, "Take me now!" But it wasn’t to be. Steve had accepted this in his head years ago, but his loins never did get the message.
Imagine sitting across from the man you love, day in and day out, and not being able to do a thing about it. He would have quit years ago, but the thought of never seeing Jeff again was too terrible to imagine. Horrific even. (Steve tended to over dramatize things.)
And besides, there was the competition to deal with. Steve knew that Rikko (pronounced rick-o), their coworker, who sat two desks down and two over (thankfully out of whispering range), was also in love with Jeff. Rikko was a major closet case and Steve absolutely abhorred him.
"Is that your real name?" he asked Rikko one spiteful day. "Sounds fake."
To which Rikko calmly replied, "Didn’t you get a nose job a few years ago?"
Uh oh, he knew where this was heading.
"As a matter of fact, yes I did. I had a deviated septum," Steve justified.
"Then I would think ‘fake’ isn’t something you’d be concerned with," Rikko sneered and then nonchalantly walked back to his desk.
"BITCH!" Steve screamed (in his head) and then pouted the rest of the day.
Anyway, Steve was certain that Rikko was in love with Jeff, but he was simply less obvious about it. Steve noticed the signs, however: Rikko’s longing stares when he thought no one was looking, the way he always managed to put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder when they were talking, the way Rikko giggled at all of Jeff’s jokes (which Steve himself was guilty of as well), and the way Rikko casually brushed against Jeff when he walked past his desk (granted, it was a small office).
And though Rikko never professed his love for Jeff, nor that he was even gay, for that matter, Steve just knew both to be true. What thirty-five year old man in San Francisco, who is single, gym-toned, tan and talks to his mother ever weekend, is straight? Please, Mary, Steve thought, as he glared at Rikko, who are you trying to kid?
So Steve trudged to work every day, stared at his love that was not to be, and gallantly pressed on. All the while knowing the devious Rikko was conspiring against him. The sad thing was Jenny. Poor, stupid Jenny. She was obvious with her love. Unfortunately, her love was directed towards Sally, who in turn, and for some ungodly reason, was madly in love withy Rikko, who, as Steve knew, was gay. It took four long years for this dense web to weave, but it’s what held these five flies trapped to a job that was clearly headed for spider chow.
And so Steve, who had nothing better to do with his time, decided to hatch up a scheme to end this unseemly fivesome. If Steve could somehow get Rikko with Sally, then Jenny would have to realize her love was for naught and move on. Then Steve could have Jeff, Sally could have Rikko, Jenny could go into therapy, and everyone would be happy, eventually, except Rikko. And who the fuck cared about him anyway.
The plot started quite brazenly, as desperate times called for desperate measures. The five of them were sitting in the kitchen at the office, sullenly eating their lunches, when…
"So Rikko, dating anyone these days?" Steve asked with a nervous smile spread across his face.
Rikko scanned the table for a reaction. Of course, almost everyone was staring back at him waiting for the response, especially Sally, who had actually dropped her sandwich in anticipation of his answer, which Jenny gladly picked up and added a tomato of her own to (the sandwich, that is).
"Oh, um, not really, why?" Rikko asked as his face turned three different shades of red.
"Well, I have this friend I think you’d hit it off with and he just got out of a relationship and since you’re single and he’s single…"
"B…b…ut I’m not gay," Rikko shrieked and then dropped his sandwich, which Sally gladly picked up and added Jenny’s tomato to.
"Really? I just assumed because you were single and thirty five and all, that…"
"Well, I’m not. I’m just waiting for the right girl to come along."
"Is that all?" Steve pounced. His hands slapped the table and then he added, "I think the right girls been under your nose all the time?"
Now everyone’s eyes were focused on Steve.
"Really?!" the other four all said in unison.
"Really!" Steve responded, proud that his plan was working so smoothly. "I mean, Sally is single and you’re single and you two have been such good friends all these years. It seams like a perfect match."
To which Sally gleefully responded, "Yes, I’ll go out with Rikko!"
"What?!" shouted Rikko and Jenny.
"Then it’s settled," Steve quickly blurted out, so as to avoid Rikko’s excuses.
"What’s settled?" Jenny asked, clearly on the verge of tears.
"Rikko and Sally are dating!" Steve shouted, ecstatic that his plan had worked so swimingly.
"W…w…ait a minute," Rikko interrupted and then looked over to Sally. "We can’t date. Co-workers should never date. It wouldn’t be right. These things always end up messy and I would never want to hurt you."
Sally’s face went from elation to depression in about two seconds flat.
But Steve had prepared for just such a diversionary tactic.
"Well then, that’s no problem at all. Any day now, Mister Wallace is going to walk in here and tell us all the office is closing and then…"
Just at that moment, the moment Steve’s plan was to come into full fruition, Mister Wallace did indeed walk into the kitchen and announced…
"Good news everyone. We’ve been bought out. And they want to keep our happy family together after the merger!"
And the web came spiraling down.
Jenny was the first to jump up with a resounding, "Hooray!" That was swiftly followed with a "Thank God…for all of us," from Rikko. Sally, Steve and Jeff paused before blandly echoing a "hooray" of their own. And Mister Wallace, oblivious to what had just occurred, smiled and gave everyone the thumbs out before trotting out of the kitchen, which then quickly emptied out so as to avoid the embarrassment of the last few moments.
Fifteen minutes later, Steve was back at his desk, glumly staring out of the same sooty window and pondering his depressing life when Jeff whispered across to him…
"Nice try, Steve."
Then Jeff got up, walked around their desks and stood right behind Steve as he whispered in his ear, "Good news, I already found another job. We’re no longer co-workers as of Friday."
And the fly was finally free.
Copyright ©
2003 Rob Rosen
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