SoMa Literary Review - Lash LaRue Rides Again

Lash LaRue Rides Again

By Rob Rosen

Detective Eddie Sanford arrived at the scene of the robbery shortly after nine in the morning, about the time his coffee kicked in. He was thankful for that much. Early morning investigations always proved the hardest for him. And really, his brain didn’t function properly until sometime after ten. But the promotion from L.A. beat cop to detective changed his hours from night to day, so he had to make the best of it.

He flashed his badge at the agitated convenience store clerk and began with the standard line of questioning. But there was nothing standard about what came next.

“Can you describe the perpetrator, sir?”

“The wha...oh, the robber. Yes, but you can see for yourself. Have a look behind Aisle One.”

Eddie turned around and veered to the left, where he promptly encountered said robber. Well, that was easy, he thought to himself. No one had told him that the crime was already solved. Maybe the morning was turning out better than expected. Though he was surprised to find the guy tied from neck to waist with a thick rope.

“How did that happen?” he asked the clerk. Definitely not the work of the police, he guessed. Not unless someone ran out of handcuffs.

“Well, that guy over there comes in and sticks a gun in my face and says to hand over the money. Course, at that hour there isn’t much to hand over. Guess he didn’t think about that. Anyway, I start to hand him what little there was and then in walks this other guy.”

“An accomplice?” Eddie asked.

“Well, that’s what I thought, at first. Guy comes in wearing nothing but black from his cowboy hat to his boots, and he’s got a black handkerchief over his mouth. I figure, bad guy number two. But the guy over there doesn’t look over, just keeps pointing the gun at me and telling me to hurry.”

“And what did you do?”

“I hurried. Don’t gotta tell me twice.”

“And what did the guy in black do?”

“Well now, that’s what was strange. He don’t say a thing. He just reaches for his holster and instead of pulling out a gun, he grabs for a whip. Big black thing. I figure, yeah right. But sure as hell if he don’t lift that whip over his head and it comes cracking down loud as thunder and knocks that gun right out of the other guy’s hand. Boy howdy, was he ever surprised. Must have hurt like a sonofabitch, cause the guys starts screaming and hollering and shaking his hand up and down.”

“And how did he get like that?” Eddied asked, pointing to Aisle One.

“Well now, seems the guy in black had that taken care of too. He reaches over to his other side and pulls out a mess of rope from a black bag he was carrying. Lassoed him in about two seconds flat. Never seen anyone do that outside of a movie before. The other guy went down in one quick pull and the guy in black had him hog-tied in no time at all. Then he sets him down over there and hightails it out of here.”

Which explains my presence here. Vigilante justice is a crime in and of itself.

“Can you tell me anything else about the guy in black?”

“Well, sure. He was a white feller. Maybe about six feet tall. Not slim and not fat neither. And brown eyes, I guess. That’s all I could see besides all that black clothing and mask he had on. Anyway, just glad he was here when he was. Saved the store sixty bucks and some change.”

And got me involved in one wacky case.

“Can I see the video tape?” Eddie asked, pointing to the surveillance camera overhead.

“Oh, that thing. Ain’t real. Just there to scare off the crooks. Guess it didn’t work too well.”

Figures.

The police had arrived shortly after Eddie and were taking the perp into custody.

Well, at least I don’t have to worry about catching the bad guy. Never had to catch a good guy before, though.

“Okay, thanks for your help, sir. Glad your money is safe. Maybe you should invest it in a real camera. Oh, I’d like a cup of coffee to go, please.”

“Sure thing, Detective. It’s on the house.”

Sixty cents saved and the rest of my day gone to hell. Yippee.

***

Eddie returned to the station a few hours later and started to file his report when he got another call about a different robbery. Small-time job, but a possible link to the first one. The police officer at the scene said Eddie should come have a look. He had heard about the guy in black, as news like that travels fast, and thought there could be some connection. Eddie stopped in the kitchen on the way out and downed coffee number three.

He arrived a short while later at a small bookstore that specialized in all things Western. Then he got the scoop from the officer who had notified him about the possible tie-in.

“Owner, a Mr. Jessup, is reporting a robbery. Seems that several videos and comic books turned up missing. Said he wouldn’t normally have bothered calling it in, but he wanted to report it to his insurance company and needed a police report first. Guess these were hard-to-find objects. Sort of valuable and difficult to replace.”

Eddie asked, “What kind of stuff was it?”

“Here, have a look.”

The officer handed Eddie a video. “King Of The Bullwhip” it said on the box, starring Lash LaRue. Lash was decked out all in black and sported a massive bullwhip over his black Stetson.

Bingo.

“How many were stolen?” Eddie asked Mr. Jessup.

“Five, plus a handful of Lash LaRue comics. All hard to find. Except maybe crappy copies of copies, which these weren’t. Didn’t even notice them missing until today. Lash ain’t a big seller these days.”

“How long have they been missing.”

“Hard to say, exactly. Last time I seen them was about a week ago. So definitely within the last week.”

“How about we look at the video,” Eddie said, pointing up at the camera.”

“Oh, that’s just for show. You know, to prevent people from stealing.”

Seemed to work like a charm. Figures.

“What can you tell me about this Lash LaRue character?”

“Not much to tell, really. He was a B-Western star in the late forties and early fifties. Always wore black. And carried a whip instead of a gun. Was pretty famous, back in his day. Saw him in person once, in the seventies. Could crack that whip like nobody’s business. Too bad there ain’t no movie heroes around like that no more”

“Is he still alive?” Worth a shot.

“Don’t think so. Seem to recall him dying sometime in the nineties.” Too bad, for both of us. Back to square one.

“You see a lot of cowboys in this bookstore?”

“You kidding? Look around.”

“Fine, thanks for your help. We’ll be in touch if anything turns up.”

Good luck on that one.

***

Eddie returned to his desk and wrote out his report. The rest of the day was standard investigative stuff on several other cases he was working on. He didn’t give much thought to the whole Lash thing. Didn’t seem like much of a case and with little evidence and no one really getting hurt, it didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to put any real effort into it.

Of course, Eddie was well aware that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire. He just wasn’t expecting it to spread so quickly. Like the very next morning. The call came in once again at about nine, right in the middle of Eddie’s first cup of Joe. A convenience store a few blocks away from the first one.

Eddie downed his coffee, grabbed for his coat, and was there in no time flat. He scanned the store first thing this time. No one in Aisle One, same for Two, but lo and behold, Three was the charm. Different guy, same rope job.

Few more weeks like this and I’ll be out of a job.

“Let me guess,” Eddie said to the clerk. “Guy in black with a big whip and a lot of rope.”

“Wow, how’d you know?”

“Lucky guess. And I don’t suppose that camera up there is taking any pictures either.”

“You a mind reader, Detective?”

Don’t I wish. “Nope, just a lucky guess.” Figures. “Cup of coffee to go, please.”

That’s when the press showed up. En masse. Seems that an avenging cowboy is big time news.

“How’d you guys hear about this?” he asked one of the reporters.

“Tip off over the phone.”

“From who?”

“Dunno. Call came in a few minutes ago. Gonna be a great headline: Lash LaRue Rides Again.”

Someone must have called every paper in the city, judging from the media blitz.

Eddie left the store and recounted the facts to himself: Someone steels a bunch of Lash LaRue videos and comics from a bookstore and a look-alike appears a week or so later. Convenience stores start getting robbed, strangely at early hours when there’s little money in the register. Imposter Lash miraculously turns up as robbery is taking place. Media is filled in almost immediately.

Didn’t take a genius to figure out that someone liked publicity. Someone who must’ve already had some cowboy skills. Someone who saw some kind of connection between the two. But who? And why?

Okay, over to the jail to talk to the two criminals. Maybe they can shed some light on all this.

***

Luckily, they were eager to talk.

“I was set up,” the first one said.

“Why do you say that?” Eddie asked.

“Cause this guy comes down to the shelter, hands me the gun, and tells me there’s a big wad of cash to be had at that there convenience store.”

“So you took it and here you are.”

“Hindsight is 20/20, Mack. When you’re poor and hungry, you don’t necessarily think straight. Besides, I wasn’t expecting no cowboy to come to the rescue. Thought that only happened in the movies.”

Apparently not. Wait, didn’t someone else say that same thing to me already? Hmm.

The second robber told a similar story. Eddie traced their guns. Both had been stolen months earlier. Still, it was starting to add up. He just had one more place to check before solving the case.

***

It took Eddie only a few hours of research to piece the puzzle together. Guess he really did deserve that promotion after all, he figured. Now all he had to do was go catch his man.

“Detective Sanford , what brings you back here?”

“Just coming in to see if you had any more information.”

“Nope, told you everything I know. Seems like it made the papers right quick, though.”

“Seems so. Guess Lash LaRue might be making a comeback.”

“I reckon so.”

“By the way. How did you come to own this here bookstore?”

Mr. Jessup paused before answering and shot Eddie a nervous glare.

“I always did like the Wild West, so it seemed like the store would suit me.”

“And what did you do before this, if you don’t mind me asking?” Eddie asked, casually.

“Oh, um, I worked in the movies a bit. You know, like everyone else here in L.A. ”

“Really? Doing what?”

“Just some stunt work. Nothing you would have seen.”

“Try me.”

“Just a few westerns, is all. Mostly stunts for the actors. Like I said, I enjoy all things Western. Like this store here.”

“So you said. Is the store doing well?”

“Well enough, I suppose. Why do you ask?” Mr. Jessup backed up a few feet and looked at Eddie suspiciously. Eddie returned the gaze.

“I checked with your insurance carrier. Seems you didn’t file that report.”

“Haven’t gotten around to it yet, Detective. Been busy.”

“Oh, I’m certain of that. The robbery got your store in the papers too. All this vigilante cowboy stuff must be good for business. Congratulations. Oh, and I see you restocked the Lash LaRue section again. He must be gaining in popularity.”

“Yes. Thanks. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to get back to work.”

“Oh sure. Just one more question. How tall would you say you were?”

“About 5’10. Why?”

“So about six feet in cowboy boots. Black, cowboy boots.”

Mr. Jessup stepped another couple of inches back at Eddie’s last comment, and quickly reached for one of the whips he kept on the shelf to his right.

“Yep, I’d say about six feet.” He unfurled the whip and raised his hand up high. “By the way, did you know that one of these things can skin a man alive?” He cracked the whip, missing Eddie by only an inch.

“I believe that, but I’d like it if you put it down, sir.”

“Can’t do that, Detective. Getting too old for the movies. Have to rely on this here business to keep me going. Good old Lash, dead or alive, is gonna make sure of that.” Again, he cracked the whip. This time it nicked Eddie in the shoulder, ripping the material and sending a searing sting through his arm.

“Now, now Mr. Jessup. I think there’s one thing you’ve forgotten.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“The pen might be mightier than the sword, but the gun is a hell of a lot mightier than the whip.” And with that he reached for his holster and, just like you see done in the movies, he flipped his gun out, cocked it lightening fast, and fired it with dead aim. The bullet knocked that whip right out of Mr. Jessup’s hand before he even knew what had hit him. “You’re under arrest, Mr. Jessup. Hands behind your back. You have the right to remain silent…”

***

Turned out Mr. Jessup was less than honest about a lot of things. The store’s video camera did indeed work, after all. And the whole encounter was caught on tape. Within days, Eddie’s phone was ringing off the hook. Hollywood , which was forever looking for the next big thing, immediately saw the potential in the return of the cowboy. Eddie, however, was perfectly content with his day job.

Twelve months to the day from the arrest, “Lash LaRue Rides Again” was released into theaters. It barely grossed two million.

Figures.

Also from Rob Rosen on SoMa Literary Review:

Megalomaniac, Lock, Stock and Barrel, The Glass Slippers, Topless, Love & Haight, For A Change, Shut Your Eyes and Pray, Perfect Strangers, The Mule & The Elephant, Total World Dominations, Life Among the Ruins, The Krispy Kreme Dream Team, You Gotta Stop and Smell the Roses, Ten Minutes and Counting, Thanksgiving – San Francisco Style, The IKEA Paradox, Maybes, Bippo the Clown, Office Romance, Bunny and Hoppy, A Queer Fable, Costco High, Life in the Fast Lane, The Tattoo & Nina Hagen

Rob Rosen was born in Brooklyn, New York in 1966. He spent his childhood in the suburbs of New Jersey, his teen years in Hilton Head, South Carolina, and much of his early adulthood in Atlanta, Georgia, where he graduated from Emory University with a B.S. in Biology and then worked for eight years as a Clinical Biochemist. When he turned thirty, he packed it all in, sold his car, broke his lease, gave up his career and followed his dreams to San Francisco, where he is now an Office Guru. So much for that expensive education. His first book is "Sparkle".