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New Voices From San Francisco |
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New Voices From San Francisco |
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Circuit Stories By Ken Cimino Chapter Nine: Labor Day
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Will
whispered to himself. Looking around the room, he saw the same paintings
and patterns on the wall that he had seen so many times before… nature
scenes and floral trim, designed to soften the room and make it feel less
hostile and more like home. Despite the eagles flying over lakes and the
purple mountain majesty, the walls were still white and sterile. The
cheerful vines and soft flowers of the border did nothing to hide the fact
that he was sitting in a hospital room, with Jack in the bed beside his
chair. With Jack unconscious in the bed beside his chair. “Things aren’t supposed to be like this,” he continued,
talking if only to break the silence. “I’ve never seen things from
this point of view, being the one who’s watching helpless and not being
able to do anything. I’ve never been the one to need hope.” He looked
from the paintings and the sterile walls behind them to Jack. “Damn it,
Jack, you’re kinda’ scaring me. I’m use to scaring people, not
having it the other way around.” His mind slipped back to the previous night, to the Mayan…
the place was a little old, and maybe a little run down, but it was on the
circuit so everyone was there. Perhaps it was proof of how much the
circuit ruled everyone’s lives; most of the people at the Mayan last
night wouldn’t have been caught dead in that part of LA at any other
time. As a general rule, they were just too... pretty. Part of it was
probably plastic surgery, and part of it was definitely 'roids, but the
guys who hit the Mayan were always hot beyond reason. Will remembered the lights, and the music, and all of the
bodies moving and gyrating to the sound. So many of them were strung out
on whatever vices they had, and the booze and the drugs flowed like milk
and honey. He tried to soak up the sheer beauty of it all, but kept
finding himself distracted by the fact that Jack was there by his side.
Man after man came up to them, wanting to play with them both... it was
such an amazing rush, and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted it to end. Soon after they’d arrived, Rick had approached them looking
to sell some of his wares. Will had been worried about the excesses that
Jack took with his drug use, and as early as that morning had harbored
doubts about whether it would be a good idea to hit the Mayan on Labor Day
weekend. He had tried to keep reminding himself how amazing the previous
month had been, but the doubts had continued to hound him… until Rick
made a comment that blew everything else out of his mind. “You should marry him, “ Rick had said to Will as he and
Jack began to kiss. “You two look great together.” It didn’t matter
that Jack had just taken a hit of X, or that Rick was a pusher who was off
in search of another sale. The words burned in Will’s mind, and engulfed
him faster and more powerfully than any drug he had ever taken. Will was amazed at how what he shared with Jack seemed to
keep improving, getting better and stronger with each passing day… they
were growing as a couple, and that growth was making Will into a better
man than he'd been in a long time. Jack made him more confident, more
capable of both giving and receiving love. And it was love, Will was sure
of it. He hadn’t told Jack yet, of course… he’d been waiting to be
sure, and then had been waiting for the right time. That night was
supposed to be the right time. He’d planned it all out, earlier that day. After the music
had begun to fade and the guys began pairing or grouping off in search of
other excitements, Will was going to tell Jack how he felt. He would do it
on the walk back to the car, letting the full moon and the silvery stars
in a predawn sky serve as the backdrop. The rest of LA would fade from the
scene, he had thought with a giddy smile… of course, he always had a
giddy smile when he thought of romantic moments with Jack. His time with
Jack had made him feel a carefree energy that he hadn’t known since
before Tom died. As they danced, Jack’s X took hold of him in the same
way that Will’s love had him… and they touched, and they both felt
carefree, happy, and alive. Jack was living it up, high on life and a few things that
were a little less pure. Will worried for him when he started to become
too far gone, because if there’s one thing that is experiences had
taught him it was that getting that far out made it way too hard to come
back in. Of course, that was about the point that Jack had started in on
the GHB. Rick had come by at some point and handed Jack a capful. Will
watched Jack’s eyes grow as he hungrily swallowed the liquid, trying in
vain to offer some protest that he might acknowledge. As expected, Jack
ignored him… or at least he ignored his protest. Instead Jack had begun
playing with Will’s nipples, kissing him deeply as one hand trailed down
toward Will’s crotch. Jack’s sexual flirtations worked; Will did
little to complain about the GHB. Will had simply told Jack to be careful,
because G could be kind of harsh when you were already flying. Jack had
told him to relax, and that he knew what he was doing. By this point the
events of the White Party were far behind Jack, as well as his vow to stay
away from GHB. He had already hit the point where there were no limits,
there was no “how much” or “slow down.” All that Jack could hear
was the music, and the lights calling out to him, chanting “More, more,
more…” Looking back, Will couldn’t help but blame himself. After
all, he’d missed seeing Rick dance by and deliver his next capful of
poison… all because he’d seen Bryan, his ex, standing by the DJ’s
stage. He’d only meant to talk for a few seconds, to just say hi and
make his way back to Jack. “Did you do any more G?” Will had asked with a hint of
anger in his voice. Jack had nodded, and begun saying, “Don’t worry,
I… I…” Unfortunately, that was as much as Jack was able to get out.
Jack’s eyes began to show some of the panic he was feeling inside, and
Will knew that he had to do something quick. If there was anyone who knew what to do during an overdose of
G, it was Will. He needed to find some coke, and fast… some might think
he was giving water to a drowning man, but the cocaine would work to
counteract the GHB and keep Jack from crashing. Through the crowd Will saw
Caesar dancing with Eric, and he smiled as he dragged Jack along and
worked his way over to them. If anyone at the Mayan would have cocaine, it
would be Caesar; now he just needed to get some of it. He reached out to
tap Caesar on the shoulder, asking for a bumper of coke, but the music and
noise drowned out his request and Caesar thought that he was asking for a
hug. By the time he could explain that he needed a bump for Jack, it was
too late. Eric’s eyes widened slightly as Jack began to take a dive,
and Will did his best to catch him. He fell hard, and it seemed for a
moment that it would be impossible to get him to someplace safe and quiet.
As the music seemed to get louder and louder, and the lights seemed to
flash brighter and brighter, there was nothing safe and quiet anywhere to
be found at the Mayan. Will had lied to the ambulance driver, telling him that Jack
was his half-brother visiting from out of state. He was determined not to
leave Jack alone, even if they restricted him to only immediate family. Of
course, he had seen the driver out and about a few times… he was pretty
sure that the guy would understand. His train of thought was interrupted as the doctor came in to
check on Jack. An arrogant-looking man, probably in his late twenties or
early thirties, Will thought briefly that he would almost be handsome if
not for the fact that his own self-importance seemed to float around him
like a haze. It was hard to see him for who he really might have been as
he was unmistakably in “doctor mode,” assuming that he had any other
mode which he could assume. He had already diagnosed them as gay as he
walked into the room, judging them by their outfits or lack of clothing…
it was a familiar sight to him, as he’d already seen three other OD’s
from the Mayan before Jack had crashed. Circuit boys keep the ER doctors
quite busy during parties, and it was obvious to the doctor that Labor Day
was going to be busier than usual. “And how is our patient today?” the doctor asked the room
while he consulted Jack’s chart. “He’s still out,” Will responded, wondering if the
grimace he thought he saw on the doctor’s face was real or imagined.
“He’s been sweating a bit, and his face seems to twitch a little from
time to time… but other than that he’s just trying to ride it out.” Glancing up from the chart, the doctor looked at Will briefly
before looking down again. “Yes, well… I’m sure that you’re
concerned for your…uhm…your… brother… but I’d say that the
biggest problem that he currently faces is that his body is facing the
sheer exhaustion of his ordeal last night. With a little more rest,
he’ll likely sleep it off just fine. I don’t understand why you guys
keep taking that stuff.” He gave Will an accusing look. “What do you…” Will started to ask. “What I don’t understand is that it’s obvious that
your… brother… takes incredible care of his body. Then he turns around
and pollutes the inside with all of this junk. I’ve done all I can do.
He just needs to sleep it off.” Will felt a fire burning within, wondering how someone with
so much education could be so stupid. “I don’t think he’s just going
to ‘sleep it off’, Doctor,” he said. “Fight it off, maybe, but
he’s definitely going to have to work at it.” The doctor once again looked up from the chart, a fire of his
own seeming to burn behind his eyes. “I’m sure,” he said coolly.
“But we’ve pumped his stomach and flushed his system to the best of
our ability, so we’ve done all that we can do. If you need anything…
call a nurse.” Putting the chart back in its place, the doctor left the room
without another word. In all reality, he was probably waiting for his next
gay OD victim to enter the ER. Will felt like screaming, wondering how
someone could be in that sort of position and yet care so little about his
patients. Or at least about certain patients… Besides, he told himself, the doctor didn’t know what it
was like. He didn’t know what GHB could do to you. He didn’t
understand that sex was incredible on G. He certainly didn’t comprehend
what you had to go through if you had too much of it… or how hard it was
to fight your way out of it once it had you in its grasp. Hours of your
life vanished in a moment. This doctor didn’t know anything about being
on the circuit. All that the doctor knew was what it said in books about
drug overdoses, and the snippets of Jack’s life that the charts and
computers told him were important. Even as he raged inwardly, though, he heard Jack mumbling in
his sleep. He was coming out of it, slowly but surely… the little sounds
and patches of restlessness proved that. It wouldn’t be much longer
before he woke up, more exhausted than he had probably ever been. Later,
he would swear that he’d never touch the stuff again, and probably say
that he was going to lay off of the other stuff for a while, too… at
least, that’s what Will had always done. Walking over to the door, Will looked out the window into the
hallway. More white, sterile walls, disguised poorly with subtle colors.
Nurses and orderlies were a bit farther down, wheeling someone out of
their room and heading towards the sign that read “Radiology.” So much
movement, so many people hidden in the rooms behind the walls… it all
seemed somehow artificial, like parts of some larger machine. Staring out
into the hall, the white sterility of the place seemed to take on a more
metallic sheen. Jack groaned slightly, prompting Will to turn back around.
Jack’s face was contorting slightly as his body tried to shake the last
effects of the drugs. The corner of his mouth rising ever-so-slightly into
a smile, Will said, “Yeah, you’ll be waking up pretty soon… but
you’re not necessarily going to like it.” Will understood that on top
of the sickness and the pains, embarrassment and shame waited for Jack
when he opened his eyes. He’ll worry over how many people saw. And what
about the police? Do they know? Will his law career be over? As Jack faded back into what might be mistaken for peaceful
sleep, Will returned to his chair by the bed. The hospital wasn’t white
and sterile, he decided… it was a bit too cool and mechanical for that.
No, what he had thought was a clean white was a bit more like silver, with
all of the artificiality that goes with it. The walls, the beds, the
hidden rooms, even the nurses… all silver. It wasn’t a lustrous silver, however... there was no shine,
no reflection. The silver that surrounded him was like a dull and
tarnished metal, instead of being highly polished like a mirror. This
didn’t bother Will, because if you stare at those sort of walls long
enough you can begin to see yourself in them… and any sort of
reflection, real or imagined, was the last thing that Will wanted to see
at that moment. The night had started beautifully, so full of promise and
potential, and now it was ending on the opposite spectrum. Will could only
imagine what he must look like… outside, or in. As that revelation sunk in, Jack began to make a few soft
grunts… Will smiled a bit more at this, because he knew it meant that
Jack was beginning to surface. Slowly, Will told himself, he was fighting
his way through the cobwebs in his head so that he could rejoin him among
the living instead of staying lost there in the land of the dead. Jack was
searching for possibilities in reality. Will remembered what it was like
to break free from the webs, feeling a little sadness well up from
somewhere hidden deep inside. “Don’t let it get you down, man,” he told himself.
“You’re a different man; you’ve got a different life.” Looking at
Jack, he added, “Maybe even a better life.” But he needed to admit the
relationship’s potential was beginning to gray. When Jack had crashed, Will had experienced a wave of emotion
that he hadn’t been expecting… and that he wasn’t completely
prepared for. It was as though time had just stopped, but only for him; he
felt his blood grow still and cold, and realized somewhere in the back of
his mind that he had forgotten to keep breathing, and to keep his heart
beating. The lights continued to flash and pulse, and the music continued
to play, but it all seemed warped and distorted as he watched Jack tumble
in slow motion. When time restarted, it moved only at half-speed. As night
gave way to morning, there wasn’t anything that Will could do to get
back up to full speed again. Even though it was the last thing that he was
expecting, it seemed as though without Jack the world might never move
right again. Shaking his head slightly, Will tried to clear his mind of
these random thoughts that kept creeping in... after all, they weren’t
doing anything but dragging him down. He knew that he needed to stay on
top of things, because when Jack woke up he’d need someone to be there
for him. He’d need someone to help lift him up the rest of the way,
because getting past the cobwebs isn’t the last part of the fight. He
wasn’t sure he could be strong enough, or if he had the willpower to
smile and laugh when he wanted to break down, but he was certainly going
to try. With a few more moans and guttural sounds, Jack slowly began
to open his eyes. Will, still lost in thought, noticed Jack’s slight
motions and quickly snapped out of the daze he was in. Jack turned his
head slightly, still somewhat dazed, and brought his eyes to focus on the
form in the chair beside him. He searched his memory for a moment in an
attempt to figure out where he was, but quickly gave up the fight and
focused all of his energy on looking at Will. “Hey, you…” he said
weakly. Forcing a smile while holding back tears, Will said, “Hey,
yourself.” His head swimming, Jack closed his eyes and relaxed back into
the pillow. “Where… where am I?” he asked. His voice was soft, as he
could barely muster the energy to form the words. Swallowing hard, Will kept his false smile even though Jack
couldn’t see it. “You, um… you’re in the hospital. You… OD’d
at the Mayan.” The room was quiet for a moment. Jack was attempting to
comprehend what Will had just told him, and Will was waiting to see what
his reaction would be. Jack opened his eyes again, coming into sharper
focus this time, and slowly looked around. Will could see the realization
slowly sinking in… a few blurry memories slowly moving their way to the
forefront of his mind. “It was… the G, wasn’t it? “ Jack asked softly. Will swallowed again. “Yeah,” he said. His breathing shallow, Jack spoke slowly but deliberately.
“I swear… it was the last time. I… should have known better. The
last thing I remember is Rick giving me another capful, cause I didn’t
think the first one hit. And then I can recall your face – full of
panic.” He looked at
Will. “And you… were here all night?” Trying hard not to blush, Will looked away for a moment.
“Yeah,” he said. He smiled at Jack, not having to try so hard this
time… and Jack very weakly smiled back. “I’m so sorry. I’m so… embarrassed,” said Jack. Will looked into Jack’s blue eyes, with the turbulent ocean
of emotions swirling just beneath the calm surface. He seemed so small
right then, so helpless. It was at that moment that Will understood. Jack
was like a child, and he needed Will to take care of him. “Can you… can you forgive me?” asked Jack. Will nodded, smiling again as he reached over to grabbed
Jack’s hand for reassurance that everything would be okay. It was at that moment there was a knock at the door. Jack
turned his head in time to see an all-too-familiar face looking through
the doorway… Caesar had come to visit. “What up bitches?” Caesar
said when he saw that Jack was awake. “Girl, you always know how to
leave a party with the boys talking.” Will grimaced slightly, thinking, “Great… chalk up one
more moment that the great and mighty Caesar steals away.” A few other guys were in the hallway behind Caesar, waiting
to make their entrance. “I hope you don’t mind, but a few other guys
came along too, “ Caesar explained. “We were all really worried about
you.” Jack was smiling, with a sparkle replacing the haze that was
originally in his eyes. “Who’s with you? ” he asked, his voice
sounding a bit stronger and more articulate. “Just a few old familiar faces, “Caesar said. He walked
into the room, followed by Eric and another guy that Will couldn’t put a
name with, though he’d seen him at several circuit events. Jack smiled
like a schoolboy at the year’s first snowfall… partially due to the
lingering effects of the GHB overdose, and partially due to his excitement
at seeing his new visitors. “Hey there, Jack,” Eric said. “You hangin’ in
there?” “A little tired, but yeah,” Jack said, speaking slowly. Eric smiled. “Glad to hear it,” he said. “You need to
get well soon, so you can get out of this place.” The third man with Caesar smiled at Jack, and said,
“Definitely. A bunch of folks are worried about you.” Jack’s smile grew larger, and he said, “Don’t worry,
Jerry… I’ll be out of here before you know it. But I’m sure that
you’ll have plenty of time to make up some stupid shit to explain all of
this.” “Hey, guys, come on… no fighting,” Caesar pleaded. Will made a mental note of Jerry’s face… after all, this
was the infamous Jerry that Jack spoke of. He quickly scanned Jerry’s
body. He had a huge chest as Jack described, though his face seemed a bit
awkward and he was balding. Maybe that’s why Jack called him “Ratboy.” Of course, Will didn’t say very much. He sat there silently
as the new visitors began to talk about various topics with Jack. Jerry
was doing the majority of the talking… and Jack was hanging on his every
word. “Yeah, I felt absolutely horrible when you blacked out, “
Jerry said. “They loaded you up in an ambulance, and hauled you off…
it took me a while to find out which hospital they brought you to.” “I see that you found it, though,” Jack said. Even though
he was still smiling, he was beginning to noticeably tire and would likely
be needing to go back to sleep soon. Jerry looked serious for a moment. “I was scared for you,
Jack… thinking of you in some LA hospital, all alone…” “You know Jerry, if you hadn’t lied to and about me so
much I might almost believe that,” said Jack. Will was about to respond, telling Jerry that Jack hadn’t
been alone, when Jack said, “Besides, it isn’t anything to worry
about… they’ve got a good staff here, and I slept through everything
they did anyway.” Jack made no mention of Will at all. It was as if Will
had melted into the metallic walls. Standing up, Will excused himself from the room… he claimed
that he needed to get something to drink, but in reality was simply trying
to hold his tongue to keep from upsetting Jack. He told himself that it
was just the drugs that are screwing with Jack’s head, and that it
wasn’t that Jerry still has Jack wrapped around his little finger. He
went to the hospital lounge in search of a vending machine, chose a drink
at random, and sat down for a moment to cradle the cold silver can in his
hands. “They’ve got a good staff here,” he said to himself.
“Yeah.” For a moment Will wondered whether he was getting in over his
head. How many more hospital visits would it take before Jack learned his
limits? Would he ever learn them at all? Or would he simply keep pushing
them, until he reached a point where there wasn’t anything that the
hospitals could do? Did Jack even know Will existed? He swallowed hard, as realization swept over him. That’s
what it all came down to… the jealousy, the emotion, the fear. He knew
what it was like to get in too deep, to barely be able to make it back. He
was afraid that Jack would go too far, and wouldn’t make it. And he
didn’t want to lose Jack… he didn’t want to lose anyone. Tom was
enough loss to last a lifetime. Staring at the can in his hands, he opened it and took a
drink. It was an off-brand diet, and certainly tasted the part… but with
the prices that hospital vending machines charge it would be a shame to
waste it. Besides, it was no worse than some of the tastes and aftertastes
that he’d gotten from some of the drugs on the circuit. He shuddered
briefly with the thought, and put the can on the table. It was at that moment he saw a Latino man pacing back and
forth in the lounge. His face was stressed and he appeared to have the
whole world on his shoulders. He felt a sort of compassion for the man,
and wondered if he should attempt to say something… he had barely
thought this when an older “Andres, Maria es bien, ” the older woman said. “Los
doctores dice a las problemas son fines. Y es un Hearing that, the man’s frown of worry transformed into a
smile of hope. Though he hadn’t caught all of the conversation, Will knew
that the last part meant, “It’s a boy.” Smiling slightly, he looked
around at the vending area and knew that he needed to make some changes.
Just like the man only a few minutes before Will felt the weight of his
decisions and age pressing down on him. If he’d lost Jack at the Mayan,
then he would be alone again… and not the type of alone where you can
still see the people that you miss from time to time, either on the
circuit or off. Once again he found himself surprised at how much of an
emotional reaction he was having at thoughts of something happening to
Jack. He finally leaned back slightly in the chair and smiled, letting the
weight on his shoulder simply fade away. Will wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting in the
vending area, letting the serenity of nothing surround him. The Latino man
and the older woman had left at some point, but he wasn’t exactly sure
when. By the time he made it back to Jack’s room, Jack was asleep and
Jerry and company were nowhere to be seen. In all honesty, Will told himself, he probably wasn’t gone
for very long… Jack probably faded not too long after he had stepped out
of the room, and then Jerry had packed up his followers and headed out for
wherever they might be going next. It was the first time that Jack had
actually been left alone since he had arrived at the hospital… there
were no nurses, or doctors, or visitors of any kind. Just Jack, sleeping
almost peacefully for the first time since he’d arrived, the only thing
living and organic in the room. Walking into the room, Will reclaimed his seat by the bed. He
could relax a bit more now, since Jack had made it through… the next
time he woke up, he would be feeling a lot more like himself again. Will
could turn on the TV, or perhaps go out in search of something to read,
but he didn’t; it felt right to just stay there in his chair by Jack’s
side, letting nothing get in the way of a moment of peace. There would be
enough distractions to come in the days that followed. Especially once Jack got the bill for the ambulance ride and
the stay. Smiling slightly, Will found a little bit of humor in his
attempt at a joke. He leaned back in the chair a bit more, realizing for
the first time just how long it had been since he’d slept. His weariness
began to overtake him, and he just closed his eyes and let it come. Jack
would most likely be cleared to leave in a day or two, once he’s shaken
the last of the overdose out of his system… there was no point in
worrying about anything else until after then. He looked out Jack’s window and barely could make out a
figure in the parking lot. It was the Latino man smoking a cigar. He had a
huge grin on his face. “Night, Jack,” Will said, his smile widening as he
said the simple words. The darkness of sleep crept over him as he reclined
in the chair, thankful that he was finally able to get some rest. Things
would be better when he woke up… Jack would be better when he woke up.
Copyright © 2006 Ken Cimino |
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Also by Ken Cimino on SoMa Literary Review:
Chapter One: Blue Ball Chapter Two: Fireball Chapter Three: Black Party Chapter Four: White Party Chapter Five: Cherry Ball Chapter Six: San Francisco Pride Chapter Seven: Fire Island Pines Chapter Eight: Lazy Bear Chapter Nine: Labor Day Chapter Ten: HellBall Chapter Eleven: Promises Chapter Twelve: Exits
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Reproduction of material from SoMa Literary Review pages |
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