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New Voices From San Francisco |
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New Voices From San Francisco |
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Circuit Stories By Ken Cimino Chapter Ten: HellBall
Autumn
was Will’s favorite time of the year… he loved the feel of the season,
the crispness in the air, and the way that the colors of everything seemed
to shift to more subtle earth tones. Even the orange and white MUNI trains
in San Francisco seemed to match the season… and looking out the train
windows it was evident that there were shades of autumn colors like orange
and brown everywhere. Of
course, it was San Francisco… a place not known for its falling leaves
and beautiful autumns. Instead, you’d see the local denizens who were so
much more colorful than those things that nature produced. As Halloween
approached, it was no strange sight to see drag queens dressed as Wonder
Woman passed out on the sidewalk after a few too many cocktails, or men in
leather threatening to outnumber those without. A handful of people would
always decide not to dress up, though they always ended up looking
embarrassed once they realized they were one of the few not wearing a
costume. This feeling of embarrassment did not, however, keep them from
returning year after year. The
coming of Halloween also signaled the coming of HellBall, one of the major
parties on the circuit. Will had doubts about going; after all, Jack had
only been out of the hospital for a few weeks. Unfortunately, he knew that
Jack wouldn’t miss HellBall so long as he was still breathing. Will
loved Jack, and knew that he’d never be able to tell Jack no. It was the
first time since Tom that Will had loved another person more than he did
himself, and he knew the power that the people that he loved had over
him… but he also knew the dangers that might lie ahead. Jack wouldn’t
miss HellBall, or any other circuit party that he could attend, but Will
wasn’t sure if he would be able to follow him on the circuit. He had
already been to rehab twice, and it only got worse with each time… he
couldn’t let himself get drawn back in and have to go in for a third. It
was just a little after 11 p.m. when Jack and Will set out on the J train
from the Castro to the area downtown where HellBall was being held. Jack
led the way to the train, just as he led the way everywhere else they
went… he was always on the move. From the very first time they had
kissed to Jack’s most recent hospital visit, Will was always following
or chasing him everywhere he went. Unfortunately,
Will wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to keep up his pace of
being a constant two steps behind Jack. Not only was he sober and in his
40’s, but he was also HIV positive. For one reason or another, he would
eventually start to fall even further behind… and that would be the end. Looking
around, Will began to notice some of the other occupants of the MUNI
train. There were several women dressed up as Playboy bunnies, and a few
who even looked the part. A few men were dressed in football jerseys, and
there was another man whom Will could only describe as being dressed as a
“worn out whore.” The fact that the man was stumbling drunk and
attempting to smoke a cigarette from the wrong end only added to the
image. Of
course, it was the drag queens that amazed Will. It seemed that there were
always a few who looked prettier than the real women you’d see… much
to his delight when a really drunk straight boy from Moraga would start
hitting on them because he thought they were genetic girls. They were
usually encouraged by their drunken fraternity brothers, though whether
the brothers knew the truth or not was sometimes up for debate. As
they traveled on the MUNI, Will couldn’t help but think of the irony
concerning HellBall. It seemed like only a few years ago that the biggest
Halloween party for gays was the Castro Halloween party. Drunken suburban
kids from the East Bay area began to frequent it, however, and it soon
enough became the place to be on Halloween night. Many of the East Bay
kids simply came to watch the freaks, or possibly even be one of the
freaks… unfortunately, a larger number came simply to get really drunk
and start fights with each other. Not
wanting to be part of that crowd, most of the gays left Castro on
Halloween night. A holiday that thrives on flamboyance and decadence which
allows gay men to dress in drag and be out in the open without a second
glance somehow turned into a festival in which they gave Castro Street
(the Gayest Street in America) to the breeders. As
the train made its way down the tracks, Will found himself feeling more
and more guilty about not putting up much of a fight against Jack’s
request to attend HellBall. Sure, he knew it was going to be fun… he’d
been on the circuit long enough to know that the standard San Francisco
circuit party was going to be filled with a lot of half-naked guys and the
loud, pulsating tones of deep music. He’d even grant that the fact that
it was Halloween added something to the party that made it that much more
appealing. There was a sense of foreboding that he just couldn’t seem to
shake; he was afraid that after Jack got back on the circuit again, it
would be just the same as it’s always been. Since
it was Halloween, there were obviously going to be a lot of men who came
in some sort of a costume. Because it was a circuit party, though, most of
them were going to find some way to creatively wear next to nothing but
still have it be recognizable as a costume. That was the trick of the
night, really… especially for those guys who were hoping to bag a few
hairy treats in the process. Regardless of the theme, there would
undoubtedly be men dressed like Village People clones, cowboys, Indians,
and most likely a few gladiators. It would come as no surprise to Will if
he saw a few drag queens dressed up as members of the Spice Girls, either. The
theme for this year’s HellBall was “Heaven and Hell,” of course…
which meant that there would be a lot of shirtless devils and angels
running around as well. Will and Jack had decided to dress as firemen this
year, and he wasn’t sure whether they were celebrating Heaven or Hell
with their costumes. They both wore yellow pants, blue San Fran Fire
Department t-shirts, and the token plastic red fireman’s hat on their
heads. It’s just as well that they went with low-cost costumes, though,
because as soon as they reached the party the shirts would disappear and
the hats would never make it through the night. Will
continued to think of the party that awaited them, where men from all over
would be rubbing their chests and flirting as they danced to dark trance
music. The hottest guys would all be dressed as some sort of hero (minus
their shirts), and the DJ’s would be playing the music a little harsher
than they would at many of the circuit parties. Jack called it “New York
pots and pans” music, because it was always so angry and completely
unforgiving. Will liked it that way from time to time, because he knew
that it was the DJ’s way of taking them on a trip through Hell… like
some version of punk for the techno minded. As
he saw the world passing quickly by outside of the train car, Will felt a
little twinge of disappointment… after all, he and Jack had gone with
one of the obligatory Castro costumes. There were always police costumes,
firemen, and Navy men at the Castro party, and there would always be
police costumes, firemen, and Navy men at HellBall. Sometimes people would
get creative, like the men Will had seen the previous year who were
dressed as DEA officials. He wished that he had the time, energy, and
creativity that Caesar and some other men put into their costumes. Just
that morning Will had helped Caesar and Tom to buy costume supplies from a
craft store while Jack and his friend John (who had arrived from New York
a bit earlier in the morning) had gone to run errands (which Will had
interpreted as buying party supplies.) Caesar and Tom made fabulously
flaming costumes to go with the “Heaven and Hell” theme, which were
essentially fancy orange togas with black trim and intricate
orange-and-black body paint, which made flame designs over their muscled
bodies and six-pack abs. On
second thought, maybe Will wasn’t feeling much disappointment after all.
For simple costumes, the firemen look that he and Jack had gone for turned
out really well. He was relieved, because he had really been feeling his
age lately and didn’t want the added pressure of the fabulous costumes
and unreal energy that some of the other men would display. The
MUNI train continued to move down the tracks, playing its part in the
great gay exodus from Castro on Halloween. Jack started kissing Will on
the neck, working his way up toward his ear in an overly playful manner.
Will felt his stress beginning to melt away, his mind telling his body to
relax and enjoy itself after all of the negativity and near tragedy that
had been thrown at it over the course of the last several weeks. “This
is going to be great, “ Jack whispered into Will’s ear once he reached
it. “Just wait and see.” Will
smiled, happy to see Jack in such a good mood again. “I hope so, “ he
said. “It’d be nice for something to be great again… because
everything’s pretty much been shit since… well, you know.” Jack
continued to playfully kiss Will. “Yeah, “ he said. “I know.” Will
felt the cold chill run down his spine that usually accompanied thoughts
of Jack’s overdose. He forced his mind to wander, trying to come up with
happier images to match the playful mood that seemed to be infecting
everyone else on the train. For a moment he wondered whether or not the
ambulance driver who had picked up Jack was on the train; he then laughed
slightly at the thought. Mumbling
something in Will’s ear, Jack wandered off to another part of the train.
Will tried to decipher what he’d said, wondering where he was going…
he finally decided that Jack said he wanted to go ‘check on
something’, and that the only way he’d likely know for sure was to
follow him. He looked and saw that Jack had disappeared into the crowd,
and Will knew that by the time he found him they might well be at their
stop. With a sigh, he wondered whether or not he’d ever be able to keep
up with Jack when he got it in his mind to go somewhere or do something. “Will!
There you are!” Caesar’s voice rang out above the general clamor of
the train. “I’ve been looking all over for you!” Smiling
as Caesar and his entourage made their way through the crowd, Will thought
that Caesar’s costume looked so much better than he would have imagined.
Taking a moment to once again regret having chosen such a generic costume,
any negative thoughts were quickly rushed away by the presence that Caesar
usually carried with him. “I
love your little red hat, Will,” Caesar said, the slur and tone of his
voice indicating that the party had already started for him. “It’s
even more adorable with your costume than it was when you picked it out!
Wait a minute… shouldn’t Jack be here with you?” Will
smiled slightly. “Yeah, he… he went to check on something. I figure
he’ll be back in a minute.” Caesar
smiled and continued his trek through the crowd. “If I see Jack, I’ll
send him back to you.” Will started to offer his thanks, but Caesar had
already seen someone else that he knew and was rapidly disappearing into
the sea of humanity that was speeding toward HellBall on the J. For
a moment Will began to feel alone on the train, even though he was
surrounded by people both in costume and out. He wished that he could have
the energy and drive of people like Caesar and Jack, but it seemed as
though all of their energy just served to make him tired. He tried
desperately to keep up, and a lot of times he almost managed to succeed…
but in the end he saw himself standing still while everyone else moved
around him. Once again he realized in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t
old, but he certainly wasn’t young. “Don’t
do this to yourself,” he said quietly. “You’re on a train headed to
one of the big stops on the Circuit, this isn’t the time to start
feeling down.” “What’s
that?” Jack said, seemingly appearing from out of nowhere. “Where you
saying something, Will?” Slightly
startled, Will turned to look at Jack. “Nothing important,” he said.
“Just thinking out loud. Find what you went looking for?” “Just
went to check and see if a friend was going to make it this year,” Jack
said. “Like you were saying, nothing important.” Will
smiled. All of the worry, the apprehension… it was all for nothing. For
that moment, if only for that moment, he knew that life wasn’t a race to
keep up with Jack and the others like him that Will found himself
surrounded by. He felt Jack’s arms wrap around him, and felt Jack begin
to kiss his neck gently. As the train continued to move toward its
destination, Will felt like there was nothing that could derail what
seemed like it was going to be a wonderful night. As
the moments passed, however, a gradual change in mood began to wash over
Will. Jack continued to kiss and cuddle, his hands slowly moving across
Will’s stomach… and somehow, it seemed all too familiar. Though Jack
was known to be openly affectionate from time to time, something just
didn’t feel right about his current actions. It felt a little too
affectionate, a little too fixated. Will closed his eyes for a moment,
trying to feel something warm and genuine in the hands and the lips; all
that he felt, however, was Jack trying to soak in all of the sensation
from touching him. “I
don’t fucking believe it,” Will whispered to himself. “What’s
that?” Jack asked, unsure of what Will had said. Listening, Will heard
clearly the slight distortions in Jack’s voice. “You
can’t even make one event,” Will said, feeling overwhelmed. “You
can’t even make it to the party.” Confused,
Jack asked, “What are you talking about?” Will
closed his eyes again, stopping his first thoughts of a response in an
effort to keep his cool. “You’re using again,” he said
matter-of-factly. “I can tell. It’s in your voice, your eyes… it’s
even in the way that you’re touching me. Unbelievable.” Playing
innocent, Jack simply looked like he didn’t know what Will was talking
about. “I think you’re just getting paranoid, after what happened
at-” “You
think I don’t know what you’re like when you’re fucked up?” Will
said, his voice louder than he’d intended. Several people turned to
look, some just wondering what the commotion was and some hoping to be the
voyeur and watch a lovers’ spat. “You think I don’t know what it’s
like to be fucked up? God damn it, Jack… how could you?” Trying
to act as the voice of reason through the oncoming effects of the drug,
Jack reached out to Will only to have him pull away again. “Will, come
on,” Jack said. “Don’t do this… it’ll be okay. It’s supposed
to be a party, Will… that means you’re supposed to have fun. It means
we’re all supposed to have fun. That’s all I’m doing, is trying to
have a little bit of fun.” Feeling
more upset by the words that were meant to calm him, Will struggled to
control his rage. “Fun?” he asked, spitting the word out as though it
burned his tongue. “You think I’m supposed to have fun? Oh, yeah…
it’s tons of fun, Jack. I’ll be having a ball when they’re hauling
your ass into an ambulance. Maybe this time you’ll be out for a week…
or maybe you won’t wake up at all. It’ll be a great time, Jack. The
Mayan, all over again.” “Now
that’s not fair,” Jack said. “Who
said that it had to be fair?” Will asked. The audience watching and
listening in had grown substantially. “It
won’t be like the Mayan, damn it,” Jack said. “So I made a mistake
before… you think I haven’t learned from it? It was me in the hospital
bed, not you.” “No,
Jack, I don’t think you’ve learned from it,” Will said, his voice
bordering on calm. “I don’t think you’ve learned from it any time
that it’s happened. I don’t know how many times that might be, but
I’ll bet that it’s been more than just one or two. I used to do it
too… you never learn from it.” Jack
moved closer to Will, lowering his voice so that the crowd around them
wouldn’t hear. “Why are you being like this, Will?” Stepping
away, Will looked at Jack with fear and anger burning in his eyes.
“I’ll tell you why I’m being like this, Jack,” he said. “I’m
being like this because you told me that you were done… never again, you
said. And now, the first circuit party since you OD’ed, and you don’t
even make it to the party before you fall off the wagon. I can’t do
this, I can’t pretend like it doesn’t piss me off… can’t you see
that I’m scared to death here?” “Will,
honey… I never wanted to scare you,” Jack said. “It’s the last
time, I swear it.” Looking
away, Will said, “That’s what you said when you were laid up in the
hospital bed, barely alive. Last time, I swear it… but it wasn’t then,
and it’s not now. You’re always just a few steps ahead, and no matter
how hard I try I’m never going to be able to keep up with you.” Despite
the drugs coursing through his blood, Jack felt strangely sober. “No,
Will… that’s not true. I promise… it’s not like that…” “I
can’t do this, Jack,” Will said. “I need some assurance that I’m
not just going to get left behind here.” “You
know that I’d never do that,” Jack said. “Not now, not ever.” Will
looked at Jack, and then at some of the various people in the car who were
watching the drama. “I know that you’d never want to, Jack,” he
said. “But I’m not sure that’s a promise that you’ll be able to
keep.” “Come
on, Will,” Jack said. “Just let me try. It’ll be okay… we’re
almost to the party, and we’ll just take it from there. Have a good time
with me, relax and let the music and the fun take over. Everything will be
okay… and we’ll be okay.” Will
smiled slightly, a strained smile that told Jack that he was going to
think about it. As the crowd watching the two began to fade back into the
background while the train reached its final destination, a man with long
hair and a tight camouflage shirt walked up behind Jack. “Hey,
man,” the man in the camouflage shirt said, “Here’s that other shit
you wanted. Took me a minute to find you on the train after you
disappeared.” He held out a small plastic cap, as Jack tried to shoo him
away before Will noticed his presence. “Now
that’s timing,” Will said. Jack
held up both hands, saying, “I’m not taking it, Will. I didn’t want
it. I said that I did before, but now…” “Now
it’s just not convenient,” Will said. “You know what? Fine. If
that’s what you want, if that’s what it takes for you to have a good
time… go for it. Fuckin’ knock yourself out.” “I
don’t want it, Will,” Jack said. “Tell
you what,” Will said. “If this is the speed that you run, maybe I
should just join you. How else am I going to keep up with you?” He
reached out and took the cap from the man in the camouflage shirt, who
quickly departed without waiting to get the cap back. He wasn’t sure
exactly what he’d walked into or if he’d inadvertently started
something, but he was certainly in no mood to get dragged into other
people’s drama. “Don’t
do it, Will,” Jack said as he reached out for the cap. “Don’t do
this because of me. This isn’t what I want, and you know it!” “You
don’t know what you want, Jack,” Will said. “And I guess I don’t
really know what I want, either.” As the train pulled into the station, Will felt the cool, strange liquid hit the back of his throat. He closed his eyes with the familiar taste and texture, stopping for a moment to remember so many times in the past where he would have felt no guilt at what he had just done. Jack was saying something to him, possibly yelling at him, but it didn’t matter anymore. Soon the too-familiar rush would be upon him, the feeling that only the drugs he had given up could provide. The doors to the train car opened, and people began to file out toward their destination… Will, however, simply stood there for a moment, wondering whether his sobriety was the only thing that was ending at HellBall.
Copyright © 2006 Ken Cimino |
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Also by Ken Cimino on SoMa Literary Review:
Chapter One: Blue Ball Chapter Two: Fireball Chapter Three: Black Party Chapter Four: White Party Chapter Five: Cherry Ball Chapter Six: San Francisco Pride Chapter Seven: Fire Island Pines Chapter Eight: Lazy Bear Chapter Nine: Labor Day Chapter Ten: HellBall Chapter Eleven: Promises Chapter Twelve: Exits
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Reproduction of material from SoMa Literary Review pages |
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