SoMa Literary Review - The Adventures of Unemployment

The Adventures of Unemployment

By Irvin Lin

This is the sort of thing that happens in my neighborhood. Like I need this sort of distraction.

I got laid off on Friday. I have been working at home, on my personal webpage and checking out the boys as they walk by. People seem to be spending an awful lot of attention to me, but mostly because there's this HUGE "For Rent" sign, right below my front window. So they always look up and most of them see me, because my computer is right next to the window.

Today was an especially nice day, since it's sunny and gorgeous and the buff boys are walking around without their shirts on.

So this big buff smooth white boy walks by (very CLUB UNIVERSE average in the face, but killer body). He checks out the "For Rent" sign, checks me out, and then gets his cell phone out to call the number. Then he proceeds to hang out on my stoop. All the while checking me out. So here I am trying to get work done. I'm out of work, damnit! I need to get my website up and out there! So he hangs out for about fifteen minutes, and then gets up to leave, apparently because I am not spending enough time checking him out. I don't mind, since it was fun to have a little bit of sexual tension, but really I gotta work!

Then he rings my bell.

Shit.

So I answer (what the hell am I going to do? pretend I'm not home?). He asks about the apartment for rent (yeah like that's the reason he rang), and then asks to see my apartment....

We know where this is going to lead.... but I am SO not good at improvisation and I haven't a clue how to tell him NO. I guess I should have mentioned something about not letting strangers into my place but whatever. A lame excuse. I mean, he COULD be a psycho killer, but that never really occurs to me, more like he's just a horny bastard.

Whatever. I let him in.

So we're in my apartment. I leave the door open, as if to let him know, you are not staying, we are not playing around, this is just purely so he can see my place and check out the apartment.

Yeah whatever.

He comes in. He has no shirt on. He checks out my main room. Which has ALL the windows open mind you. Then I show him my kitchen. Which no one can see. He's standing awfully close to me. Very, very close. He mentions how the place is a nice size for one person. Then he starts rubbing my crotch.

Do these sorts of things REALLY happen? I thought they only happened in porn. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY talk about totally contrived and clich�d.

It was kinda hot.

So anyway I rubbed his crotch a little bit (hey he grabbed my hand and stuck it on his crotch) he rubs me, I play with his nipples a little bit (again NOT of my own initiative), all probably more than I should have but whatever, there's this hot guy in my kitchen, I'm only human.

He feels very hard and very large.

Then I say. Sorry. I've got a boyfriend. See I'm good. I'm not nearly the slut that everyone thinks I should be.

He whines that he's really horny.

He's really hot. Did I mention that?

Then he's all; can we at least jerk off? Where exactly does cheating happen? Did it happen when I answered the door? Did it happen when I cruised him down? Did it happen when I felt him up through his jeans? I haven't a clue. I've tried before to navigate this whole jerking off thing as not being cheating but really it doesn't quite work.

I told him no. I really think he should leave. In reply he whips his dick out. It's HUGE. I always thought porn stars' dicks were large by mirrors and camera angles. Apparently random strangers have dicks that large too. Largest I have ever seen in person. And I have seen some rather large penises in my life. I may have only slept with only a few people, but I run the range.

But this one...

It's bigger than my wrist. Bigger than a can of beer, and they only say that usually in porn stories, but now I know that it actually exists. NO KIDDING. Huge. My friggin' hand couldn't go all the way around it.

I mean I read that description in porn magazines. "Bigger than my wrist" but it really was. Lord have mercy.

He jerks off, and tries to get me to jerk him off too. While he has me have my hands on his dick, I take it and put it back in his pants and tell him he better leave.

He whines again that he's really really horny. Then takes it out and cums. A lot. On my kitchen floor.

After the moment is over, he meekly asks for a paper towels realizing what had just happened. I tell him don't bother I'll clean it up.

He says "thanks" and then mumbles something about me still being innocent, all the while; we had some fun...or something like that.

Am I still innocent? Hmmm. I dunno.

On the way out, I mumble some random vague apology (why am I apologizing? I haven't a clue � must be that damn Asian in me, always having to please everyone...damn it, I should have had him lick it off the ground...oh wait, on second thought, he probably would have thought that was a come on....)

I mumble something about maybe "next time" or whatever, and maybe I'll see you around. He says "yeah probably. I'm moving into the neighborhood... see ya around sexy boy...." so what the hell do I do if he moves into my apartment complex? I dunno. I mean none of this was my fault. I didn't do anything. Other than show him my studio. Ahem.

Oh well. Next time I guess I'll just call my boyfriend and have him join in....

I gotta go and mop my kitchen now.

Irvin is a struggling designer "working" from his home in San Francisco.